Such a sweet surprise #roses #pinkroses #flowers #beautiful
Last year when I was dealing with the shit my old roommate was giving me – all the snide, catty remarks about the clothes I wear and how I look and this, that and whatever – I was told I needed to call her out on it. Tell her to fuck off and let her know how I felt. I was letting it affect me and I was letting her take advantage of me and walk all over me – according to my sister and my mother who heard all the nasty shit that was happening. However, my bitch ass of a roommate wasn’t the only one to give me shit.
My older sister always had. I know plenty of people have grown up with an older sister but mine is 11 years older than me. So when I was 6, she was 17. When I was 7 she was 18 and she was perfect. It’s like Barbie and a cabbage patch doll. She was beautiful – she still is beautiful. She knew how to do her hair and makeup and dress. She always had these designer clothes, shoes, bags and she was just this perfect Barbie of a person. Honestly, she had bleach blonde hair at one point always curled and styled and she looked like Barbie. She was popular and successful and I was the ugly and awkward little sister. She called my rock biter when I was younger; she had my first “boyfriend” call me that too because of my teeth.
Normally an older sibling is there to teach you and help you during those awkward years but because of our age gap my sister moved out when I was seven so I had no one to help me learn how to do hair and makeup and style my clothes and what not. So I didn’t learn. Honest to God, I just learned how to do under eyeliner a year ago from the fucking Beauty Event at Neman’s – I’m 24 fucking years old and couldn’t do under eyeliner. Jesus.
I remember growing up and remembering all the cool things she did when she was in high school. She was on the yearbook, she was a part of Queen’s Judging for Homecoming, Night of Stars and Varsity Tennis. When I got to high school I was still being teased from stupid shit in elementary school, I wasn’t on yearbook – I was in one club, one club I helped found and then didn’t even get the nomination for fucking homecoming court. There was like 3 girls in the fucking club, I had been the President the year before and I didn’t get the fucking nomination – can you say WHAT? I didn’t get anything for Night of the Stars and while I was on a varsity sport – it was golf. Fucking golf. High school was fucking hell for me. While all the pretty popular girls were getting even prettier and more popular I was going through the phase where I was proudly wearing Naruto shirts and trying to be “Harajuku” that was a fucking mistake. God I still had blunt bangs while everyone was doing the whole side swiped style. High school was horrible and I’d never want to go back to it. However, college wasn’t any better. It wasn’t till near the end that I was finally blossoming into a confident female but even that was ruined by an abusive relationship with a prick of a boyfriend. It wasn’t until I was out of college and in my first job did I finally feel comfortable and happy but then the mental breakdown of the pressure from work became too much.
When I moved to North Carolina it was because I was ready to start out fresh. I had nothing tying me to Michigan – no boyfriend and the one dude I did like hadn’t spoken to me for about 5 months until he called me up one night and was like “Oh hey, sorry I’ve been MIA. I was moving into my own place.” My reply “That’s cool. I’m moving to North Carolina in a month. So….yeah.” Clearly nothing came out of that prospect. That’s when the whole issue with the roommate happened. Now the positive side of this was that in the last um, let’s say…5 years, I had been growing much closer to my sister. Turning like 18 and being able to talk to your 29 year old sister on a better level would do that…being 21 and being able to talk to your 32 year old sister about drinking and boyfriends and sex and stuff brings you closer. No 18 year old in their right mind wants to hang out and play with their 7 year old little sister. I was working for her and we were hanging out more. It was nice to have her in my corner for things. Yet under everything there was still the teasing and in her words “giving me shit”. She was the one that told me I needed to stand up for myself and call Ashley (my old roommate) old for the nasty remarks she was saying. I don’t know if she ever thought I’d use that advice against her.
Now clearly, in other posts and in this one, you’ve seen I struggle with self esteem. I still can’t see myself as beautiful. I hate my body and even if I wear a size 2 jeans, zero in dresses, have a huge pair of tits and a fine ass – I’m ugly. I hate myself. I want to wear the cute outfits I see on Pinterest but I’m not that pretty girl in the picture. I can’t pull off the look. I can’t wear that dress or that top of those jeans. I can’t wear the bathing suit that I love because I hate my thighs and my ass. I either lie on the chair or quickly get in the water so no one can see me from the waist down. I was in gymnastics, I have thighs and a butt, it runs in my family. Nothing is ever going to change that. I’ve gone on horrible eating trends where I won’t eat anything, or just soup, or be really healthy and watch my calories and then I’ll go weeks where I’ll eat whatever the hell I want. A bag of chips – sure. Candy – fuck yeah. And then I’ll hate myself even more. Then I just won’t eat. Or I’ll eat really little. But then I get told by my sister who sees me ONE DAY – that I’m going to get fat when I turn 30 (which is 5 years off. Okay, I’m turning 25 this year). Funny because the rest of the week I hardly eat because I’m too fucking lazy to cook – and I don’t know how….ramen noodles it is! She’s said this in front of nearly every fucking family member. I wish I could have told her to tell her to shut her fat face a million times before but no I picked Dad’s Birthday Dinner to tell her to shut the fuck up and to leave me alone.
Of course dropping the bomb that “HEY MOM, DAD, SISTER – I’M STRUGGLING WITH SELF ESTEEM ISSUES FOR AS LONG AS I CAN REMEMBER AND AM TIRED OF BEING RIDICULED,” isn’t polite dinner conversation. They of course told me all my fantastic qualities which I’ve heard time and time again and I still don’t believe – so I don’t know if it really sank in with them but my mother looked shocked. She swore I was really self confident – funny, I’m just a great fucking bullshitter. Sarcasm and bullshitting has been my first line of defense for as long as I could create a sarcastic tone with my voice and realized I was witty and sassy. So I instead had word vomit and called Amanda out for all the bullshit she had ever said. Reminding her of the Rock biter remarks, and that she was this pretty, perfect Barbie and I was the rejected off brand friend of Barbie that no one fucking remembers – Madison or some shit. Who knows, no one fucking cares about Barbie’s friends anyways. How I can barely reach 1200 calories in a single fucking day expect if I go out to eat because one, I don’t eat enough and all the food I’m eating is like “100 calories” and shit. It would take me 12 fucking yoghurts to reach 1200 calories. I’d die. I get done with one and am like “Well I won’t be eating for another 5 hours shit.”
So yeah – enough is fucking enough. Even if I’m struggling still with my weight, even if I’m still struggling with my looks and the fact that I’m always – always someone’s second choice. “Oh boys are intimidated by you?” WHY. I’m shaking my ass to a Justin Beiber song in a bar at 12:30 on a Saturday. You shouldn’t be intimidated, I’m an idiot. I can tell you the names of most of the main characters in Dragonball Z still for Christ’s sakes. Let’s be serious…all the main characters in DBZ. So I’m constantly going to deal with this because it’s all a mental issue, I get that. I need to break down the wall or some other mumbo-jumbo but no matter what I do, say, or write. I’m always going to struggle with my self esteem. There will always be someone better than me, prettier, smarter, funnier. When I do feel confident – I’m reminded that I’ll be fat one day or my dress makes me look whorish. I’m reminded that no matter how much of a nasty bitch my old roommate is she’s had like five times more boyfriends than me and guys are interested in her but not me.
But enough is enough.
—I don’t like asking for help because I feel like I have been nothing but a burden to people my whole life. However, I’m desperate and I need the assistance of my followers on this and every blog I can reach.
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My handsome man #romeo #lab #labsofinstagram #husky #huskiesofinstagram #shiba #shibainu #shibasofinstagram #muttsofinstagram #mutt #dog #dogsofinstagram #handsome
Finally springtime. Sunshine and flower crowns #spring #selfie #flower #flowercrown #sidebraid #girl #blonde
Trying to battle a possible sore throat or cold. Nothing better than a cup of tea. #tea #selfie #girl #drink
#beach #beachlife #myrtlebeach #springbreak #selfie
—It’s finally happening! I’m finally taking a girls trip, nothing with family, nothing with a formal group but just two of my best girlfriends and myself! We’re going to New Orleans for a long weekend this June. We bought our tickets last night and we’re starting to get everything arranged.
We arrive on Wednesday June 25th and fly home on Sunday June 29th. It’s just a long weekend but it’s going to be so much fun. We’ll stay in the French Quarter, we’ll explore the city, we’ll go out and have a good time. I can’t wait and it’s put me in a good mood. It’s finally something to look forward to, something to plan for. Now all I’m going to do is save and plan.
I have a feeling I may go through my closet and weed out some stuff and sell it for some extra cash. I’m going to budget myself and buy only what I need because I have to have a reserve on hand. I’m just so excited, so happy, it totally changes my mood around since I’d been feeling so crappy.
I know things are a little difficult right now with work but I honestly hope things turn around soon because I am going on this trip no matter what.
Ever since I started wearing make up, I’ve felt I needed its protection. Adults use to tell me, especially when I moved to the South, not to run to the store without a full face of make up on because you never knew who you might meet. For someone who has constantly shrugged with self esteem issues, that isn’t a welcomed piece of advice. So here I am finally able to go without make up, finally able to consider myself kind of pretty, and willing to accept my flaws because they make me who I am. #selfie #wereallbeautiful #nomakeup #dolledup #thisisme #selfesteem #self #acceptyourself #loveyourself